Missing Medicine

Missing someone is like this terrible drug which you are forced to swallow and yet it never makes you feel any better. Instead you have this lump in the back of your throat from when the pill went down the wrong pipe. Its also interesting how missing someone can change over time, just like taking medicine. Sometimes you take the drug and the pain leaves with a bit of time. In other instances, even the strongest of medicines will never cure you of the pain residing within.

Goodbye 2010

I can't believe 2010 is coming to a close. Its Christmas in three days. I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I'm not even meaning to be Grinchy, I just feel more consumed by the though of the new year.

This year seemed to go by so quickly and so slowly at the same time. I turned twenty. I know everyone thinks its not that big of a deal but it meant something big to me. I think turning twenty helped me to realize what I really want in life. I really want to be happy. In all honesty I have known that for a long time. I just think that turning twenty reinforced that even more.

Transitioning into adulthood (even though I still live at home where my mom takes care of me) has helped me realize that being happy with myself and my decisions is what really matters in life. I don't mean to be selfish but I have realized that for anyone else to be happy around me or for things to be positive in my life I need to find contentment.

I want a job that I like going to. I want to surround myself with people who make me happy and whom I make happy in return. I want to engage in positive activities and love people for who they are and not for who I wish they could be.

I'm going to take time to work on these things because I know they take time. I'm just looking forward to ringing in 2011.

Change

I've been spending time in places where I always used to run into you. I'm feeling kind of lonely lately. Its weird too, because I have all of these great people around. Maybe I'm feeling alone because I'm reminiscing about the past. All of these surroundings are reminding me of the fun we had together and the days I knew I would run into you. I miss your smile and the way you would laugh at my jokes. I miss the fact that you were always right where I knew you would be. The worst thing about it all is that I miss the way you used to be. You're such a different person to me now.

I can't say I would like things to be the same. I also can't say I would like them to go back to the way they were. Its just not all that fun looking back on something and remembering how great it was; especially when you know things can and never will be the same.

Imagination

"Don't let the imaginary person in your head keep you from loving the person right in front of you."


I think its time I throw all of my misconceptions out the window and embrace the truth. I'm just afraid of breaking something that doesn't need to be fixed.

Sign

I think I'm beginning to realize that even if things don't go the way I hope they will everything is going to be okay anyway. As much as I would like for things to change between us I am also quite content with the way they are now. I'm not too sure why. If I want things to change, one would think I would be unhappy in this current state, but that's not the case whatsoever.

I constantly find myself thinking of our future but I'm so wrapped up in the present. Maybe one of the best things about this situation is that the more you're the around, the better things seem to be. I'm so fearful of pushing you away.

I feel like such a hypocrite, you see. I'm always the girl who tells people to go after what they want. Its so hard to take your own advice. I'm not saying I'm never going to take the chance, I just need to be ready to take the chance. I hope I capitalize on it before it passes me by.

I guess the best thing is this is a win win situation, because I know I will never lose you.

Please just give me some kind of a sign.

Spark

There is something about this time of year that makes me so anxious. I remember it like it was yesterday. There you stood. And I could not help but to be fascinated by you. Eventually this fascination lead to a spark. The spark was triggered in my mind, my heart and my soul.

At this moment in time the spark is out. Its a tad disappointing but its also the way its meant to be. I think the thing that I have the most difficulty grasping is why I sometimes miss you after everything I have faced.

Thought Proces

I'm wondering if all of this thinking is ever going to do me any good. Interesting how I am so consumed by ideas that I am thinking about thinking. I need to give myself a break.

Not too much has been going on with me lately. One of my best friends returned from working with a community of children in Africa recently. When he came home I felt missed, as well as insignificant for focusing on work this summer. I am proud that someone I call my friend was involved in something so important such as the selfless act of caring for children.

I have also been contemplating my feelings towards another important person in my life. Its always a wake-up call when the way you think or feel about someone significantly changes. This is not to say my thoughts about this person have changed for the worse, or for the better; however, I am curious to see how my mind chooses to navigate this new mess in which I have entangled my mind into. In this case my mind is like a spider web, a place to capture my thoughts and hold them hostage within my mind. Let's just say this person is very important to me and I need to think about how I want our relationship to evolve.

My most sincere hope is that all of this thinking will bring some good. After all, what it life without the divine chaos that is a marvelous though process?

People

In a way it makes me a little sad reading these posts and feeling a lack of inspiration as of late. I'm constantly pondering life's processes but sometimes words are unable to express the whirl wind of the mind. Not too much has happen in the last few months, but at the same time I have had some experiences which are worth reminiscing upon.

People have bee coming and going from my life recently. A close friend of mine is in Africa at the moment. The other day he sent me an email explaining that where he is one in four people have AIDS. I'm not sure whether or not I should be shocked by this statistic or not but I am. Its tough to believe that for the last few months I have been complaining that I need to get out of bed every week day at 5am to go to work, when individuals in another society are worried about survival. Its hard to imagine what they are going through. Its also hard to imagine what its like for my friend to be there, and not have as much power as I'm sure he wishes he could posses.

Alternatively, another individual entered my life once again. He; however, is gone once again and I have been thinking a bit about that too. I think its the best that this person is gone but its never easy saying goodbye to someone who doesn't want to let go.

Of course, there are also some people who I have not seen for long periods of time, which has left me to analyze the meaning of our relationships. Sometimes after not seeing someone, you build up a concept of how you remember them to be. Most of these thoughts remain to be positive. I'm just hoping I'm not setting myself up for a let down.

Memory Lane

Yesterday I took a trip down memory lane. I drove by this place that once meant something. Perhaps this is the wrong phrase- it still means something; however, the meaning of this place in time has changed for me. I remember this place fondly. Something so simple and quaint occurred. The moment, the place, was dedicated to an event which resides in my memory. Its serenity rang a bell in my heart. And then the feeling hit me. I began to miss the simplicity of how things were in the beginning. Our thoughts were based around the future, but never in a stressful way.

I can't say I want to go back to that place or return to the moment. But being reminded of it freed me in some way. It made me remember how things were good for a while. Its not even that things are terrible now, they're just different that's all.

I hope that soon again I will be encapsulated by the simplicity and the beauty of a moment that will take a different place in my memory bank.

Always

The possibility seems so far out of reach. And yet, for one reason or another, I can't see myself letting go. Its this indescribable gut feeling. Whenever you come around there is a sense of calm and I know that anything that happens between us will never ruin what we have. I miss you, its been too long.

Notion

A person who I just met the other day opened my mind to some possibilities. In today's society it is difficult to believe in love. In one way or another love seems like a giant notion. It could be because the divorce rate is growing annually or because the media has molded love to be so trivial. After having this day long discussion with this somewhat stranger, my eyes were opened to the possibilities of love. I'm not sure if I will ever find love or if this stranger will find what he once had; however, there is no sense on hoping love is more then a notion after all.

Growing

I've been thinking about how in a few short months I will be turning twenty. Time seems to have passed so quickly. It seems like yesterday I had the bad hair cut and my best friend was the boy next door. Its good to think that my hair has since grown longer and sad to think my once best friend now seems like a distant stranger. I miss my childhood. I miss the days of going swimming at my grandma's pool and playing at recess and making chocolate chip pancakes with my mom. I miss the dogs I had when I was young and the freedom and the sense of innocence that almost every child has. On the other hand, I am looking ahead to the future. I'm excited to see what will come to me in my life and what I make of my opportunities. I want to find out what makes me happy and who will always be there for me when I need them most. Its scary to think these things are approaching so soon. I think the most important thing of all is that I am doing my best to live in the present and I am happy with the decisions I have made in my life. Looking forward to more good things to come.

Friend

Two plane tickets home and I could not be more content. The simplicity that other people can bring to you is incredible. Friends have the best way of reminding you why you love them and why you need them. I have some of the best friends. And even though they are gone for most of the year, when they're back its like things never changed. In my mind that's the best kind of friend one can have.

Worn Out

Maybe its the time of year, or the fact that the weather isn't as nice as I would like it to be. It could be that you're so far away and as soon as you come back, you'll turn around and leave again. Maybe its because I'm being bombarded by people who have not once required my attention until this very moment. All I have to say is this time of year is starting to wear me down. I can't wait for you to be here again and for the sun to be shining until late in the evening and lots of summer ice cream.

Still

I heard a song that reminded me of you today. And not in the way which I have been remembering you lately, but in a way that made me think of everything good we had. That's not to say I wasn't remembering you fondly; however, I have reasons to be distracted from certain positive thoughts. Some days I miss you more then others. And I don't know if I actually miss you or If I miss what we had, as the lines are easily blurred between the two. It seems like you're happy now, and I guess that's all that matters. I hope that someday I can be in the same place as you. I also hope you can forgive me for any misfortunes I have caused you, and that you, too, can think of some of the misfortunes have you caused me. I hope we can let them go. And even if I don't learn from these positive times and these misfortunes, I can listen to this song and think of you fondly and all that we used to have.

Walking the Line

The last thing I want is to give you the wrong impression. Unfortunately I feel that's exactly what I'm doing. All of these things you have said to me have got me thinking. I'm not sure how to react and I'm not sure how to not mislead you.

Right now I need to focus on walking the line and that balancing act between comfort and reality.

Dream

I've been having this recurring dream. Well, I've only had it twice. The event is always the same. But the time and place and other people are always different. The other key person's reaction and actions keep changing too. Its starting to get to me and I'm not too sure what to make of it- especially if the scenario keeps changing...

New Blog

I recently started another blog. I'm hoping to transfer some posts from this blog to the new one and possibly be blogging on both. The new blog is http://shortworks.tumblr.com/

I hope you will check it out.

Busy Bee

I've been so busy lately and I feel like its been too long since I could just wake up in the morning and not have to think about going to school or work or meeting this person at this time or paying this much money for this item. I know that I'm an "adult" but all I want is a little "me time."

Really all I want is to wake up in the morning and not have to think about what I'm going to do. I want to wake up and be able to fall back asleep if I'm still tired and eat a nice breakfast maybe while watching cartoons. I want to listen to loud music in my house and not have to worry about getting places on time and finishing all my homework. I want to hang out with my dog and bake a cake and catch up with friends. And I definitely need to exercise. School's almost over, hopefully I can do all of this then.

Outside the Box

“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-colour boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-colour boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-colour box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-colour boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colours of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-colour type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!" - John Mayer

Wave

Its interesting how something can suddenly appear to be so obvious. Its almost making me sick, the thought that something could work out the way I'm hoping it will. Its funny because a while ago I never would have even thought about this situation and now the idea that it could turn around negatively makes me feel completely lost. I don't know how I would feel but I don't think I would feel good.

It just feels so real- like this huge wave crashing over my mind and my heart, leaving me soaking wet. And instead of just drying off, I keep being hit by the wave and being reminded of this feeling. Its not even a bad thing. Its just overwhelming not knowing if I'm going to get off the beach onto dry land or if the wave is going carry me out into the ocean.

Honest Heart

All signs point to the truth but I'm still afraid. I think I'm in denial because the last thing I want is for this to be blown out of proportion. I guess all I can say is:say whatever your heart tells you, and please, say it out loud.

Regardless of anything, you're honestly the best.

Step Ouside and Say Hello to My Beautiful World

I love the feeling after a good workout, the cool breeze on a warm summer day. I love seeing people I haven't seen in a long time. I love coming home after my mom has baked me my favourite kind of cookies. I love seeing the honesty in your eyes. And even though some days go by more quickly then we hoped, at least we had the opportunity to experience a new day. Every day we wake up is a chance for us to live the new day differently then the previous. Everyday is a chance for us to get where we hope to be. Everyday is an opportunity for us to listen to our favourite music, go for walks in the sunshine, and find joy in the simple things. And everyday is a day to love someone even more then you did the day before.

Sometimes things don't go they way we hoped. But that's life. Its this crazy, spectacular journey which brings out our imperfections, our beauty and our loveliness. Be the best person you can be, it's all going to work out somehow.

Sink and Float

I jumped to a conclusion after what you told me. Maybe my stomach sunk because I thought a possibility had faded. I think I'm afraid that it wasn't a possibility fading but that I was having an epiphany I was not ready to have.



The thing is, I've let go of the epiphany. I may be in denial. I think I'm kind of afraid. Maybe denial and fear go hand in hand. I hope that this fear and denial will soon float away, reveal the truth and bring me the simplicity of joy.

Too Often

Today I did something so small for someone and they made it seem like it was the best. And maybe it was, but all I wanted was for them to be happy. Apparently it worked. I need to start doing nice things for people more often, its surprisingly fulfilling.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn life around."

- Leo Buscaglia

Sparks of Suspicion

People always seem to be so suspicious. They have the right to be. They should be. On the other hand, its always aggravating when people become suspicious over something so innocent and simple. Just when you think something is harmless people have the ability to turn it into something you never saw it to be. Of course, that always gets you thinking.

Maybe this will spark something new and fulfill these suspicions but I still have my doubts.

Live

Right now I feel like I'm in this place in my life where all I can be is who I am, whoever that is. Sometimes I'm lost, emotional, irrational, and irritated. But I've been trying to be joyful, reasonable, and selfless. This is not to say its easy, but I'm trying to understand that you are your state of mind.

One of my favourite movies is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Below is a message from the movie; I think I need to remind myself of this message more often.




“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Paranoid

I feel like you read my mind. Or maybe I'm just not being subtle enough. Honestly, I feel like I have nothing to be subtle about. And now, I'm going to become paranoid about something I have no reason to be paranoid about.

Baby, don't worry about it,
Lady don't even think about it,
You worry about the wrong things, the wrong things.

Marevlous Truths

You're honestly the coolest. Thanks for your marvelous truths. You made my day.

Can't Shake This

I can't seem to shake this, whatever it is. Its funny too. Because I was the one who let it go and yet I'm the one reminiscing. Maybe I thought you wouldn't forget this easily. Maybe you haven't and right now its all some facade but it really doesn't seem that way.

Maybe, just maybe, someday, I will forget this, all of it. That just doesn't seem possible.

The Best

Apparently its easy to forget things. I have a good memory but there will most likely be a day when I forget my childhood best friend's home phone number or the name of my fourth grade teacher or how I was so stupid and got the worst sun burn that one summer.

On the other hand, I can almost guarantee I will never forget you and all of the little things you have done for me. I will never forget you saving my life on university's worst assignment in the history of the world, dancing with you at the pub, having you insist I buy the most ridiculous vehicles of transportation or receiving drunken phone calls from you both the night of and the afternoon after the event that I just had to be at.

And even though you probably have no idea how much all of these things matter to me, I can never see them fading from my memory. You really are the best.

After All

I started to miss you today.

And the more I thought about it I realized maybe I didn't miss you, but what we had. I do miss what we had, I won't deny that. But there still is a little part of me that misses you even after everything that's happen.

Foolish

Have you changed or was I blind from the start? Its hard to believe we had something honest considering the current result. I'd like to hope I'm not foolish.

What If?

There is something intangible about this moment which feels like its in reach but I'm blinded by my own emotion which is making it seem further away then it is. When you stepped into my reality I was blind towards what was coming. Now, after the way this whole situation has turned out, I feel even more blind then I did in the beginning. I'm feeling something I've never felt. Its this indescribable mix of emotions penetrating my entire being.

At the end of the day, the most challenging part is that it all comes down to two simple words... what if?

I Just Love You

Going on adventures, baking cookies, reading Post Secret, drinking tea, dancing to Sandstorm, Skyping, laughing until we cry, crying until we laugh and hearing the right thing at the right time...

Thanks for being my best friend.

Lost In Translation

I've always been one for honesty. I've also always been one for treating people the way I like to be treated. But let's face it, some people are liars and some people are selfish.

Maybe I'm naive but I always feel like its a slap in the face when someone I thought I knew shows me a side of them I fail to recognize and I end up lost in translation.

And even though this time I may have speculated this outcome, it doesn't make it any less painful.

Distant Stranger

You're so distant now. And I can't help but wonder if over time your gap has increased, or if you were never by my side from beginning. I'd like to think you were, but with the way things are now, that's hard to believe.

There's a possibility I feel this way because I was in such a vulnerable state. I opened myself to you, and closed myself off too. Its possible that it is in fact I who has become more distant, it just doesn't feel that way.

You seem like a stranger. And even though I may have set myself up for this I feel like no one should merit the deprivation I feel at this very moment.

Fire

There's this air of mystery that has been stirring around in my soul. I'm at this point right now where all I can do is question everything. I'm constantly questioning my own actions and actions of others. I'm questioning my brain, my subconscious and my heart.

I know that kindness isn't a notion. I know that love isn't a notion either. None of these things I feel surrounded by are notions at all; they're realities. The issue is that I have been looking at these realities like rain. You can't build a fire in the rain, and right now I need a spark.

I know I'll find a way to turn this around and build my fire over time. Maybe I will find what my heart wants. Maybe one day I will find the activity my brain craves. Or maybe these are simple elements which will only act as kindling to my fire.

I've Got You

Maybe in the midst of it all lays something that will propel us forward into something exquisite. This situation, this moment, is unexplainable. You're brilliant, I hope you know it. I can see why you're confused,I am too, in my own little way. But you've got me, and I've got you, so I guess we're doing alright.

Don't worry, about a thing, 'cause every little thing is gonna be alright.

Elsewhere

There is no way of knowing where you are at this point in time but you should know you are greatly missed. Its sad that you have been elsewhere for so long. I may never see you and that would be quite a shame. Wherever you are I want to thank you. You have helped to mold my soul and shape my heart. Your radiance is honest and your love is like no other.

I wish you were here.

Reasons Sleep Can Be Limited

1. Your mind is racing.
2. You're speaking with someone in a different time zone.
3. You have just exercised which left you energized.
4. You have consumed too much caffeine.
5. You completed watching a horror film and you're too afraid to sleep.
6. You feel sick.
7. You miss someone too much.
8. You want to enjoy the stillness of your home.
9. You're emotional.
10. You're consumed by a book, a movie, a television show or the Internet.
    
11. Your mind is still racing.

If only I could be one of those individuals who falls asleep as soon as their head hits their pillow...

Perspective

I'd like to walk in your shoes just to look at things through your perspective. I would like to understand what gets you out of bed in the morning, why you do the things you do, and what makes you tick. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I will never have the experience of seeing things from your point of view. And I may not understand your decisions or your reasons or your choices but maybe these decisions and reasons and choices will help me piece together my own perspective on this whole situation.

I've been telling myself that instead of being selfish I need to be selfless. I would also like to become more brave even if it brings difficulties to my path. Maybe trying to understand your perspective will allow me to do so.

I feel as though this selflessness will act like a pair of glasses and clarify and enhance my vision.
Maybe trying to see things from your point of view will act as spectacles too; maybe it will clear my vision or maybe it will make my vision more blurry and will make me more disconnected from you then I ever was to begin with. All I can do is try the glasses on.

Robbery

In a way I feel as though I am being robbed. I'm not sure if I feel like I am being robbed of something that was once mine or robbing myself of something unexplainable. Its such a weird experience. And I can't make up my mind of how to act or how to feel. In my mind I'm feeling a way that I shouldn't be feeling. Maybe its just my subconscious telling me something I should have thought about a long time ago.

Somewhere

I know you're out there somewhere.
I look forward to our meeting someday.

Facade

I'm currently experiencing an emotion which is unreasonable. Maybe unreasonable isn't the word but that's what it feels like. Maybe this thing is a mixture of selfishness. No one likes to admit that they are selfish. I'm not being selfish, I'm not intending to be selfish, but other then this unreasonableness, I am experiencing something that feels comparable to selfishness.

The thing is, no one involved in this situation knows this is how I feel. Maybe I'm putting on a facade, but I think its for a good reason. After all, this facade is meant to disguise this feeling of unreasonableness and selfishness.

The other thing is that even if I were to remove this mask or let go of this facade, people may actually understand this emotion. I guess my fear is that they will not understand and they will simply think I am being unreasonable and selfish. I'm not sure why this is my fear. I guess I have the fear of being vulnerable. Then again, who doesn't fear vulnerability?

Two Way Street

I didn't think this is how it would end up.
I was under the impression friendship was a two way street.

Reminder

You have the most simple ways of bringing light to my day. I often forget why I need you but you have the best ways of reminding me why I'll never be able to let you go.

Abstract Dream

I haven't had much inspiration as of late, which kind of sucks when you think of yourself as a writer. I mean, I like to write. I have the ability to write. I choose to write, therefore I must be a writer.

I've had this abstract dream as of late. My mom mentioned the building of a Tree House Village in Costa Rica and said maybe I could move there and start a career as a writer. Apparently there is wireless, high speed Internet in these homes. And think of the view, and the serenity. The occasional bird may be singing at my window causing distraction from me placing my ideas onto paper but the whole idea seems intensely exceptional.

Who knows, maybe someday I will be up in my Costa Rican Tree House writing something just for you.

Heart

Remember that organ, the one found in your left chest cavity? I'm wondering what it means for most people. Love doesn't fix everything. Being caring doesn't fix everything. Maybe it helps; that's all I'm hoping for.

Bottled Energy

Its curious how individuals constantly bottle up all of this energy within themselves and eventually explode...

This energy has the power to be positive and negative and explosively send the bottle cap shooting in another direction or slowly be unfastened by its holder and poured into another means of containment. Maybe it would be easier to let the juices constantly flow. On the other hand, this, too, can cause negative results. Perhaps the question is how can one fill their bottle and let it drain, too?

Simple Poem

Don't let the situation get you down
Eventually it will all turn around
The sun will shine
It may take time
Just believe in your beauty
Peace will entail
At the end of it all you will find your ale

If

"IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!"

-Rudyard Kipling

Special thanks to a good friend of mine who read me this poem at a time when I needed to hear it most.

Break Beyond the Barricade

Its strange how a complex situation has the power to turn itself around and seem simple when in its entirety its still just as complicated as it was in the beginning. When something seems complex, the right thing to do is make it simple, turn it around in your favor, cut out the none sense. I feel its necessary to tell things the way they are but sometimes revealing the truth doesn't make a situation any less complicated.

Perhaps the ability to make a decision changes the way the situation ends up. In my mind there are constant barriers blocking specific situations. I need to find the boldness to break down the barricades and do myself a favor by making things less complicated and communicating with myself.

I'm not exactly sure how to do it. I need to let it go and be set free.

Respect

I'm questioning if my mother was the only person on the planet who taught her children from the time they had any sense of what a relationship was that you should treat others the way you wish to be treated. It never fails to amaze me how so many adults struggle to think of someone else other than themselves for a split second.

Comparisons

Black or white. Right or wrong. Blond or brunette. It is evident that our daily lives and decisions often revolve around comparison. Whether or not you admit it, you constantly compare people, food, music, literature, and societies. Its curious really. Recently I have been entertained by the fact of comparison; the comparison of feelings.

Comparison of feelings is the most complicated form of comparison because its impossible to compare our sentiments with that of another individual. As much as I would sometimes like to feel others emotions, its not going to happen.

At this point in my life I am being faced with a decision which is solely based on feeling. Although it can be backed up by logic and thoughts, this type of decision is best made using one's emotional senses.

I find myself continually frustrated with this situation not only because I'm not sure what I want but because I am constantly trying to compare my experiences and emotions to that of others. The question is what good can come from this? What good comes from comparing one person to another? Do we appreciate certain characteristics more? What comes from comparing certain foods to one another? To decide which is more tasty or which is more healthy? And honestly, what good comes from comparing our emotions? Does it help us decide who, what and which things make us most content at the end of the day? If this is the case, bring on the comparisons. Right now, however I feel as though these comparisons are only leading to more confusion.

Wandering

I feel like people are on this constant mission to obtain something they're not even remotely sure exists. I often find myself questioning how my life would be if I forgot the possibility of what my purpose is or if I will ever accomplish what it is I think I want for the future. Every morning, one has the opportunity to get out of bed and go after what they want, and people continually fail to do so. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure if I want to be married. I'm not sure what profession I want in the future. I'm not even sure what kind of dog I want to great me at the door upon the arrival to my home.

Too often we contain ourselves in certain environments to define ourselves. We define ourselves by our age, our gender, our nationality, our race, our religion, our economic situation, our jobs, our societies, etc. I'm not trying to say this is always negative, but maybe we should forget it all for a minute and try to figure out what's important.

Its kind of an impossible thing. Its just easy to be overwhelmed in a place like the world we live in. I don't want to form an impression that everyone is ungrateful, or arrogant or lost. But sometimes all one can do is wander and try to figure it all out, if there is a way to figure it out. I don't think I will ever be able to answer this question.

True to You

Simplicity is the way to go. I will never understand the mind games people insist on playing. So often our minds and emotions fall victim of the other players' previous moves, making a checkmate scenario unavoidable. Its almost as though they are trying to force you into a situation where you are the one being upfront and honest and they are blocking themselves behind a barrier of tricks, and distorted realities. At the end of the day, you look like the bad guy for telling things the way they are, when the other person is blinded by their own facade. So what is it? Are people afraid of the truth? The truth can be miserable. The truth is also entirely beautiful. It is the way one goes about admitting his truths which makes a world of difference.

One can continually hide themselves and their truths from others but at the end of the day you are cheating yourself. Accept reality, face your fear of honesty, be straightforward, be kind, and be true to you.

Key to Everything

Lately I have been contemplating decisions, wondering about the future, missing people who are away, questioning others decisions, trying to avoid deep thought processes leading to stress, and pondering life's processes. Maybe all of this time I should have been appreciating what I have and not worrying about what comes next, however,sometimes clearing one's mind is more difficult then it seems.

Maybe in reality having the key to everything is the worst possible outcome. Maybe all the decisions being contemplated are meant to be thought out. Maybe its healthy to be curious about the future. Maybe missing people who are away leads to loving them more once they return. Maybe questioning others decisions helps us make good decisions for ourselves. Maybe sometimes thoughts are better off as simple. And maybe, just maybe, pondering life's processes is what should spend our time doing. Nothing in life is sure, but at the end of the day maybe the key to everything is a nightmare. Maybe there is no key at all. To be honest, I hope there is a key to something, who wants to be locked up all the time anyway?

Welcome, 2010

Welcome, 2010. How about some words of wisdom for the coming year.

XXXIII

He who knows others is clever;
He who knows himself has discernment.
He who overcomes others has force;
He who overcomes himself is strong.
He who knows contentment is rich;
He who preserves is a man of purpose.
He who does not lose his station will endure;
He who lives out his day has a long life.

Loa Tzu
Toa Te Ching

In Your Element

There has to be something said about being in your element. Tonight, I was far from being in mine but I was surrounded by individuals fueled with energy, optimism and endless emotion. Every once in a while I would catch their eye and reflected within their soul was a sense of belonging and prosperity. Its not often you witness someone so deep in their element that you realize their creative genius is overflowing and pouring out of their every ounce of being. Its so refreshing.

The best part is, they have no clue how spectacular it is to be witnessed doing their own thing.

Next

I'm not sure whether things will work out. I don't even know how to shape the situation so that things could work out in both of our favors. I could blink and this could become a cold, distant memory or I could open my eyes and feel an incomparable easiness. Who knows what comes next.

Maybe one day it will all make sense.

Worlds

I couldn't agree more. Maybe if I could figure some of these worlds my world would make a lot more sense. I can't figure myself out half the time let alone anyone else.

Patience

Maybe there is no better advice then this. I think its exactly what we need right now. I'm sure we'll figure it out, it just may not be easy.

Reach Out

I hate knowing that I could reach out to you and you wouldn't even move your hand from its current place to reach back. My own actions lead to this consequence. Its just difficult knowing things may never change.